Oct. 16, 2023
I met a guy. Absolute dream. He’s kind, sweet, and thoughtful. You should see the way he messages and hear the way he talks. People say I’m too quick to trust, but I feel it. I feel like this is going somewhere good.
My heart beats faster whenever he talks to me… like the fireworks that erupt every time the Yellow Jackets perform. My god, I just wanna know him better. Do you know what I mean, diary? I hope you do.
My hands are shaking! He just messaged me! He wants us to have a study date! OH MY GOD! I’ll update you, diary. But for now, adiós!
Nov. 9, 2023
I think I'm being haunted. People are starting to stare at me differently, and then they would either shake their heads or whisper to someone. I also heard crying from the restroom stalls and some mumbles that he got her too. Who is he? Am I his next victim? And with the way that they're looking at me, I think I am.
I would tell this all to him, but he's a bit busy. Always busy. I'm sorry, I can't because of this and because of that. Blah blah blah.
Calm down, Annika. I’m sure it's reasonable. It’s probably just schoolwork.
Nov. 19, 2023
Seriously, diary… what was that?! The whispers are getting louder. I can almost hear them now. Oh! The hearsay about some guy playing a girl haunts me almost everywhere! But why are they always looking at me– like…some kind of freak?! Or a victim? I am neither! I think there's been a glitch!
Nov. 25, 2023
May the Lord give me patience because, lately, everyone is getting on my nerves. I swear if I hear another one of those people whisper as if I'm not beside them, I will smack them. Like seriously, stop. Are you really that bored?
But what if there really is something? Oh god, maybe I should be listening. But wouldn't I know?
Diary, am I going insane? Is it me? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
And on top of it all, he's not replying. Or does it make sense if he is? I wonder if he hears any of the murmurs that I hear because if not…ahahaha…I'm in danger.
Nov. 30, 2023
I never felt so alone. What happened to kindness? To honesty? To respect? To love?
I never felt so alone. I was a fool. I fell for nothing but lies. Was it me? Was I boring? Did I do something wrong? Was I too dumb? Too clingy? Too ugly? Am I the problem?
Diary, tell me what to do because it seems like everything I'm doing isn’t good.
My friends say I shouldn’t blame myself for his disappearance–it’s not my fault. Then whose fault is it? If not mine, then why does everyone else say it’s mine?
I'm stuck in these four walls, hoping he'd call. And here I am, looking sad in all the nice places.
Diary, I never felt so alone.
Dec. 6, 2023
I know now. I know who he is. I know what he did. I understand the whispers now. And that girl's cries.
He disgusts me. He should be up in those Serial Killer Halls of Shame.
I'm just thankful I got away. But at the same time, I'm sitting eyes wide open, and I got one thing stuck in my mind: what if it's just rumors? What if that's not real? He does have a big reputation. He has some big enemies.
Did I dodge a bullet or lose the love of my life?
Dec. 20, 2023
I received some cold, hard proof from his ex-fling.
Merry Christmas, indeed.
To new beginnings,
Jan. 15, 2024
My sweet, loving Diary,
In the wise words of Kendrick Lamar in one of Taylor Swift’s songs, “You forgive, you forget, but you never let it go.”
To say last term was problematic was an understatement. Exams were hard. Cramming was hardER. You know the expression “ang dami ko na ngang problema, sumabay ka pa”? When they told me the University had supernatural hauntings, I thought they meant ghosts—actual spirits of the dead. Not someone who’ll make you feel special, then leave as if there is nothing going on between you two—ghosts.
Look, I tried, okay? I tried to bury my anger and hide my resentment, but buried feelings never stay buried. And the world may move on to another day, another drama. But not me.
As one of my friends said, resentment is poisonous because resentful people let them simmer, so when he approached me again –trying to start a conversation– oh, what joy!
If you know me, I don't start stuff, but the moment I laid eyes again on that..snake, everything flashed back. The doubts. The pain. The crying. The whispers. Oh, the whispers were the worst because, somehow, it’s my fault he’s like that. Not his. Never his. If I were a man, that would be the other person's fault, and I'd be the man. But I am not. So, I am nothing but assuming and naïve. You see, Diary? This is why we can't have nice things.
Some things are scarier when you encounter them in person, no? Like white ladies, engkantos, Frankenstein’s monster, and delusional boys who think they can go around and talk about their stuff and get away with it. Like he is.
But there is nothing scarier than a woman wronged. And let me tell you, I am tired. Incredibly exhausted from people treating me like trash until they found me a gem when I knew all along that they were.
Oh, but that was nothing but a setback, and we ladies always rise above. I never liked his little games and the role he made me play – a fool! And so, I played him like a violin, and now all he thinks about… is me.
What goes around comes around.
There’s something special about retribution and revenge that gives it a certain… je ne sais quoi. I have a long list of names that I will get back at, but — right now — his is red, underlined. I'll be the actress starring in his bad dreams.
So what if it makes me a bad person? He’s not showing any remorse for the fact that he hurt me. And if so, why does it feel so good? So what if that makes me a monster? I’m only what you made me be. Do I regret it? Not one bit. He did some bad things, but I'm the worst of them. He had it coming.
Don't get sad, get even. And hey, look what you made me do.
The Woman Scorned, Annika