I’ve made mistakes.

I’ve done things I’m not proud of, some of which have hurt other people, including the people I treasure.

I still remember that time I lost my temper when arguing with a friend; that time I pulled an insensitive prank that offended other people; and all those times I lied to loved ones who trusted me. I also remember the weighty consequences that came with these faults—strained friendships, vanished trusts, and punched feelings.

I’ve come a long way from these faults—I’ve learned from them, avoided repeating them, and earned forgiveness from those I wronged. I’ve grown mature since then, but it was no walk in the park.

From time to time, my mistakes would haunt me. Like a broken record, they’d play in my head on loop, constantly reminding me of the faulty person I used to be.

As I ruminate, I can’t help but ponder the things I could’ve done differently. Perhaps, I should’ve kept my cool with my then-close friend; I shouldn’t have proceeded with that prank like what my second thoughts told me; I should’ve just been honest with my loved ones.

Moving forward and outgrowing my past self was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it was also the bravest.

The unspoken burden of self-forgiveness

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Everyone talks about how hard it is to forgive others, but no one talks about the difficulty of forgiving yourself. To wrestle every day with the thought of what you could’ve done differently and to have a voice in your head constantly crucifying you for being a flawed person in the past, how does one overcome that?

Forgiving someone is hard because of the pain that person has left you. But forgiving yourself for your past mistakes is just as hard—and sometimes even harder—because guilt will torment you relentlessly. You wouldn’t be able to forgive yourself easily because you think you don’t deserve it.

As explained by mental health expert John Delony, we refuse to forgive ourselves because we see it as a way to prove our remorse for our actions. Moreover, we’re also afraid of slipping back into old behaviors. Consequently, our brains remind us of our mistakes to create “constant warning signals” that will urge us to avoid committing them again.

One time, while hanging out with my best friends, I suddenly thought: “What if I do something immature again and lose this precious friendship?” Unsurprisingly, the same thing happened, only this time, with my family members. As they were doting on me, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Do I deserve this much love from them, even after lying to them before?”

At first, I was constantly beating myself up for my past mistakes, and never giving myself a break. Self-punishment was the weight I willingly bore to make me feel better about myself. I just couldn’t bring myself to say, “I forgive you, self.”

But as time passed and I could no longer endure the self-punishment, I realized I was being too hard on myself. I got too fixated on my guilt that I failed to see how much I’ve grown and changed as a person. I kept looking back on the past I can no longer erase instead of appreciating my present self, who had successfully learned from his mistakes and whom I can proudly call a “better person.”

Just the fact that I acknowledged my faults instead of brushing them off is already something worth the recognition. And frankly, I did even more than that: I worked actively on changing myself and blooming into the better person that I am now. What’s not to be proud of?

The arduous journey of change

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Like self-forgiveness, change is most certainly not easy. The fact that you go through it while struggling with self-forgiveness makes it all the more challenging. What makes it hard is that we have to change habits and attitudes we’ve already accustomed ourselves to. It’s very likely for us to repeat the same patterns, even as we adamantly promise ourselves we’ll change.

But while it might be difficult, it’s not an impossible task. Ironically, the first step in this process is to expect that you will commit the same mistakes again. According to former clinical psychologist Alice Boyes, this will allow you to shift your focus to formulating strategies that will help you change ingrained patterns of behavior.

In my case, it took me a while before I got to kill my habit of lying whenever telling the truth makes me anxious. I failed many times at first, but I came up with a clever strategy: I’d write what I wanted to say in a paper and rehearse how I’d say it to someone. It took me two years, but this strategy worked wonders.

One thing we should note, however, is that this process entails mental energy. As Boyes noted, every step, from thinking of strategies to implementing them, are all mentally taxing. But as long as you’re persistent enough to work towards your goal, you’ll get there.

To be completely honest, I’m still a work in progress. I still mess up from time to time; that’s okay. A few months ago, I would have berated myself for these mistakes, but I know better now. I intend to learn from these mistakes, and I will, but for now, I’m just proud of how far I’ve come.

As we attempt to correct our character flaws, we must remember to be kind to ourselves. It’s okay if you haven’t made a lot of progress, and are still falling back into old habits. It’s all part of the process. Just start small. Frankly, the fact that you’re making an effort is already a huge achievement in itself. Confronting the guilt of your past, taking responsibility for your faults, and acclimating yourself to new patterns of behavior are already huge achievements. And they all take a lot of strength.

There’s still a long way to go, but I’ve already come so far.