There’s no better feeling in the world than finding a special connection with another person. But it’s as gut-wrenchingly difficult when that connection seemingly vanishes without a trace, often without warning.
As much as the internet makes it easier for people to build relationships with one another, it also continues to make ending these relationships much more abrupt. While you can find someone to chat in an instant, these people can disappear just as fast. This often leaves us in a place of confusion, sadness, and at times, self-loathing. One of the causes why relationships end early is because of this term we call, “ghosting”.
Why do we get ghosted? Is it something we said? Maybe something we did? These are often the questions that echo our thoughts when what’s a seemingly healthy and lively conversation turns into an exchange as dry as a desert. Whether it’s waning interest or simply the loss of a spark, here are some tips you can use to avoid serial ghosters and keep yourself from getting ghosted.
1. Do a vibe check
This is probably the first thing you do when you first decide to either chat someone or read someone’s first message. That said, once the first exchange has happened it’s time to give that profile a second look. Does the vibe check out? If it doesn’t then it’s likely a cause for concern. Now the profile and the first few exchanges can only say so much and it’s also possible to be completely wrong about the first impression.
If the person you’re talking to already makes you raise an eyebrow from the get-go, then it’s fair to assume that the person could possibly ghost you. If not, just be terribly inconsistent.
2. Get feedback
They say hindsight is 20-20 so if you’re aware of the person’s friends, then it’s probably a good idea to ask around and see if the person’s stories add up accurately. Though it won’t be necessary for every person you’ll talk to, it’s a good step to take before you decide to get a little more attached.
It’s also worth noting that friends are better to consult with than past romantic interests. Not only will it make you look too nosy or even desperate, but you’re also likely to get inaccurate details as some old emotions can influence their sentiments.
3. Stop, look, and listen
Sometimes the answers you seek are just hidden in plain sight. If you’re starting to feel a certain way for the person you’re talking to, it’s a good idea to take a moment and observe how the conversation has been going. Check to see what habits they have while you’re conversing, specifically how timely they respond or how often they seem to be busy.
It’s also worth noticing how they seem to be handling conversations regarding plans. Do they seem elusive to make plans or are they open or even welcoming with the idea? These are indicators of how likely they are to stick around or just disappear.
4. Level your expectations
While it’s important to be cautious about who you interact with, it’s equally as important to keep yourself in check as well. There’s nothing more repulsing to a potential friend or partner than having to meet expectations that they were never really aware of. Try to keep things as relaxed as possible, making sure to be careful but not too paranoid.
Setting the appropriate amount of expectations can help ease any unnecessary tension, which may or may not be a reason for one to simply consider ghosting. With reasonable expectations, you’ll less likely feel disappointed when it doesn’t work out.
5. Check the label!
Just like any carton of milk, it’s worth checking the label of your own relationships to make sure that you’re aware of what it is or what it’s not. Despite being a tip that should apply to all relationships in all phases, this is mainly for those considering an even deeper relationship than what they have now.
Though a label is not the end-all-be-all, it can certainly be indicative of a relationship that’s headed to somewhere serious or a relationship headed straight to the chat archives.
6. Don’t be demanding, but don’t be generous
Similar to the previous tips, this essentially involves regulating yourself and your behavior around the person you’re communicating with. This time, it’s about making sure that you’re neither too lenient nor too demanding.
Allowing the person enough time to get comfortable and be themselves is an excellent way to get to know them, but it should not come to a point where they are taking you for granted. Being too “easy” or too overbearing and difficult can both be reasons for one to lose interest and ultimately leave or ghost you in the end.
7. Be curious, but not nosy
There’s no bigger turn-off than someone who just can’t keep their nose out of your business. That being said, asking about a person is good when it’s thoughtfully sprinkled around a conversation.
If you find yourself enjoying a conversation and then suddenly getting ghosted, it might be a good idea to ask yourself if you were able to learn about the person you’re talking to. Always remember that people like to talk about themselves or what they’re into as long as it’s not like you’re trying to interrogate them.
8. It’s a conversation, not a monologue
One big reason why people ghost is because they simply lose interest in a person. With the nature of the internet, it’s pretty easy to find something that’ll peak your interest at an instant, which includes potential dates or friends. Try to spice up the conversation by asking neutral questions or suggesting things to do rather than the usual back and forth.
If they agree and go along, then you might just find something new together which can strengthen your bond. If they shrug it off and just let the gap widen further, then you probably know where it’s heading and it won’t be worth your while.
9. Offer something different to the conversation
Jumping off from the last point, it’s very easy to get carried away when someone is interested in getting to know you. However, this doesn’t mean that you should just keep rambling on and on about your life like the person you’re with is trying to write your autobiography.
Instead, always keep your stories as brief as possible, giving them the opportunity to either ask more questions if they’re interested or simply move on if they’re not. It will give you the mystique that will leave them curious and always wanting more.
10. Spend some time apart
As counter-intuitive as this sounds, distance and time apart can really make a difference in keeping the interest in a relationship. It’s like your favorite snack: you always love having it at arm’s reach whenever you want, but if you have it for all your meals in a day, you’re bound to get tired of it.
Giving each other quality time apart can renew interest by allowing each other to find new and interesting things on your own and then bringing it back and talking about them later on. That said, if the person you’re talking to seems to be getting too fond of distance, you probably have an unfriendly Casper on your hands.
Ghosting can be pretty tough especially when you feel like you’ve established something good with whoever you’re with. Their sudden disappearance can be difficult to swallow knowing the connection you’ve felt towards them at the start.
If you do get ghosted, realize that it’s your gain to have lost these relationships now than later on. The cliche of “once a door closes behind you, another one opens ahead” may be tiresome to hear, but you truly can move forward once you completely leave your past behind.
Each time you lose a relationship you’ve built, you recognize the good things you’ve established and improve on that for the next relationship you’ll have.
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