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Ang Huling Birit

Nakahiligan ko ang pagkanta magmula noong bata pa ako. ‘pag may pyesta sa amin, hindi mawawala ang videoke; sa mga family reunion, meron din. Kaya hanggang ngayon tuwing may mag-iimbitang mag-videoke, game kaagad ako.

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Nakahiligan ko ang pagkanta magmula noong bata pa ako. ‘pag may pyesta sa amin, hindi mawawala ang videoke; sa mga family reunion, meron din. Kaya hanggang ngayon tuwing may mag-iimbitang mag-videoke, game kaagad ako. Mahilig akong kumanta, inaamin ko ‘yon, hataw ang pagkanta kahit pa mamalat. Pero ibang usapan na kapag sa harapan ng maraming tao kakanta. Hindi ko na talaga kaya ‘yon. Kaso noong 2009 kinantahan ko ang nanay ko.

Matagal nang wala nanay ko. Noong huling araw ng burol niya, ito ang kauna-unahang beses ko kumanta sa harapan ng maraming tao.

Gabi na nu’ng magsimula ang event na pinagplanuhan naming para sa mga dumalo at nakiramay. Tutal masiglahin ang aming nanay, napag-isipan naming gawing kakaiba ang huling araw niya sa Arlington. Ginawan namin siya ng “tribute” bilang pasasalamat sa lahat ng nagawa niya habang siya’y nabubuhay pa: Iyong iba dinaan sa pagkanta, ‘yong iba naman nagbahagi ng mga kuwento. Gaya nga ng nasabi ko, doon ako sa mga taong bumirit sa harapan ng madla. Dahil isa sa paboritong niyang artista si Michael Jackson, pinapili ako ng isang kanta niya. Mahilig siya kay MJ kaya’t noong pumanaw ang idolo niya, sumunod naman siya. Sa nanay ako namulat sa mga tugtuging masarap pakinggan sa tenga. Nang tumagal-tagal, wala pa rin akong mapili na kanta ni MJ, kaya’t sa mga huling oras bago magsimula iyong selebrasyon, Ibinagay na lang sa akin ang kantang ‘Man in the Mirror’.

Sa likod kung sa’n ang lagayan ng mga pagkain, tanaw ko ang sangkatutak na taong nag-aabang sa susunod na magpapaiyak sa kanila. Sa isip ko, paniguradong matira matibay kung sino ang hindi iiyak hanggang sa matapos ang selebrasyon.

“Seal, ikaw na’ng next”. Tinatpik ako sa balikat ng pinsan ko.

Lumiksi bigla ang kaninang mabagal na pagpintig ng puso. Ramdam ko na ang unti-unting pagbigat ng aking buong katawan na tila ayaw na akong patayuin sa kinalalagyan. Gusto ko sanang sabihin sa pinsan ko kung pup’wedeng next year na lang ‘ka ‘ko yung performance ko. Kaso wala na akong magawa kundi isang malalim na buntong-hininga; para rin naman ito sa nanay kong nakahiga sa gintong kabaong.

Nang ako na ang magtatanghal, parang may namumuong lindol sa loob ng katawan ko. Magnitude 8 ata ‘yon. Bago ako kumanta, hinintay ko munang manahimik ang lahat. ‘Yong iba may kaunting tulo na ng luha, habang ‘yong iba naman nakasuot ng shades. ‘Di ko maintindihan noong oras na iyon kung bakit sila naka-shades, baka masyadong maliwanag ‘yung dalawang ilaw na nakapaligid sa kabaong ng nanay ko.

Tandang-tanda ko pa noong mga araw na nabubuhay pa siya, kapag sakto niyang may pagdiriwang sa eskwelahan, itatanong niya sa akin ang mga detalye nito. Sa umaga, habang binibihisan niya ako, itatanong niya sa akin kung pang-ilan kami sa magpe-perform, anong oras magsisimula ang event, at kung saan gaganapin. Ayaw na ayaw ko talaga siyang pumunta, madalas kasi akong kantiyawan ng mga kaklase ko. Dahil ayaw ko naman siyang pumunta kasi nahihiya ako, tatango na lang ako o di kaya “hindi ko alam” ang parati kong sasagutin. Pero kahit hindi ako nagsasabi ng kahit anong detalye tungkol sa event, parating may lalapit sa akin na kaklase.

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“Seal, andito mommy mo. Hinahanap ka niya kanina pa. Andun siya sa likod”. Tatango ako’t magpapasalamat. May maririning naman akong bungisngis galing sa mga kaklase ko. Ewan ko talaga kung paano niya nagagawa ‘yon. Makikita ko pa rin siya sa eskwelahan kasama ang iba pang mga supportive mothers.

Mama’s boy nga talaga ako. Tuwing umaga ‘di ako makagalaw nang mag-isa. Kailangan si mama ang gagawa ng lahat. Siya magsusubo sa akin ng pagkain tuwing umaga, siya magpapaligo sa akin, siya magbibihis sa akin, at siya rin ang alarm clock ko: ang boses niyang umaalingawngaw sa buong paligid ng bahay magising lang ako. Pikon na pikon ako tuwing umaga siyempre. Sino ba naman may gustong gisingin ka umagang-umaga pa lang at ang ganda-ganda pa ng panaginip mo kasama si Crush. Naglalakad sa isang mall, magkahawak ang kamay sabay kumakain ng Pistachio ice cream, tapos biglang makikita mo ang nanay mo, papalapit, umaapaw ang galit parang nag-aalburotong bulkan. Dahan-dahang maglalaho si Crush, didilim ang paligid, may mararamdaman kang lamig, tapos sa pagdilat mo makikita mong wet ka na pala talaga, hindi yung sa dream, kundi yung literal na binasa ako ng tubig para magising.

Lahat ng trabaho kaya niya. Kahit anong gawain ay handa niyang gawin para sa mga anak niya. Ewan ko lang ba kung bakit yung ‘di niya nagawa.

Ngayon ako naman ang kailangan na gumawa nito para sa sarili ko. Napagod na rin siguro siya kakaalaga sa akin araw-araw; kakabisita parati sa eskwelahan para mag-cheer sa anak niya, kaya natulog muna siya. Ang isang babaeng nasa likod ng salamin.

I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him…

Hindi ko na mabasa ng maayos ‘yung hawak-hawak kong lyrics. Mahirap pala pag kinakantahan ang isang patay. ‘Di ko na alam kung natutuwa ba siya sa boses ko o hindi. Kung pa’no pilit kong kumanta noong mga oras na iyon habang tumutulo paisa-isa ang mga luha galing sa mata ko. Nalalasahan ko na ang alat ng bawat patak nito. May kumakalat nang mga butil-butil na patak sa papel. Luha na pala ang mga patak, hindi pawis dahil sa kaba. Hindi ko man lang siya nakantahan ng maayos kahit sa huling pagkakataon. Sa tingin ko bagsak ang score ko sa totoong videoke. Ganoon ba kapangit ang boses ko para ako’y mapaiyak? Ang mata ko kaninag tuyong-tuyo, ngayo’y binabaha na ng luha. Nakatitig sa kung saang lupalog, huwag ko lang makita ang mga mukha ng taong awang-awa sa musmos na batang nakatayo sa harapan nila dahil iniwan na ng nanay. Bawal bang umulit ng kanta? Naisip ko. “yong saulo ko naman ng kaunti para lang pambawi, baka sakaling marinig ko ang palakpak niya.”

Hinagilap ko na ang buong kuwarto pero wala talaga. Wala na talagang dumating.

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Marcos is still not a hero

After everything that has been, is Marcos still your idol?

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MARTIAL LAW ANNIVERSARY 2018. (Photo by Christine Annemarie Tapawan/TomasinoWeb)

When we look a few years back, we remember that one of the biggest political controversies we have encountered is Ferdinand Marcos’ burial in Libingan ng mga Bayani. The rites were private and intimate for the family and he was also given a 21-gun salute. Is this 21-gun salute an ode to the 21 years that Marcos has ruled as a kleptocratic dictator? This event has garnered negative criticism since a number of Filipinos don’t consider Marcos as a hero. It may have given peace to Marcos’ family, but it caused the victims of the Marcos rule to remember a grim chapter in their lives.

A few days into the present year, Bongbong Marcos sent out a statement calling for the revision of history books used in the academe, which he deems are only teaching the students lies about what his father, former President Marcos, has done. He believed that those from the opposition are in control of the data in published materials, that’s why it is so against his father. He also claimed that the contents of these textbooks were just used as propaganda against their family and that the allegations that his father was a thief and murderer were never proven. The thing is, if these allegations weren’t true, then why was the Presidential Commission on Good Governance recovering money from the Marcoses’ ill-gotten wealth? 

During Marcos’ rule, Proclamation 1081 gave the military power to arrest, detain, and execute those who are standing up against the government or those who are pushing other people to do so. A proclamation like this is set to violate a series of human rights, and yet it went on for several dreadful years. According to Amnesty International, about 70,00 people were imprisoned and 34,000 were tortured under Marcos’ term. 

In 1991, Marcos was found guilty by the US Federal Court system of ‘crimes against humanity,’ which covered torture, summary executions, and forced disappearances. The Philippine Constabulary was the law enforcing body during those times and was notorious for being liable for numerous human rights violations. Take the case of Dr. Juan Escandor, a Radiation specialist from the University of the Philippines – Philippine General Hospital, who was involved in nationalist initiatives and even founded a leftist student organization, was killed by constabulary troopers that ended in a crossfire. Though authorities say that he died due to the gunfight, his autopsies show signs of torture, with his skull emptied and filled with trash, plastic bags, rags, and underwear, and his brain placed inside his stomach cavity. 

Bongbong Marcos has always justified his father’s ways. Although he acknowledged the numerous human rights violations that were committed during his father’s regime, he says that people should also remember the numerous projects his father launched, which includes thousands of kilometers of roads built, progressive agricultural policies, power generation, and the highest literacy rate in Asia. However, could these projects ever compensate for the pain inflicted on the victims of Martial Law? Even if the Marcoses’ contributions to the country are worthy of acknowledgment, it is not a valid argument to be used to push the people to leave their dreadful experiences in obscurity. Marcos apologists can’t tell others to just ‘move on’ because failing to acknowledge the people’s grievances during Martial Law is purely insensitive.  You can’t just tell people to forget such inhumane acts brought about by a leader they all trusted to lead them through progress. 

Recently, it was shared to the public that House Bill No. 7137 was approved to declare September 11 as ‘President Ferdinand Edralin Marcos Day’ in Ilocos Norte, which aims to honor the late dictator. Senate President Vicente Sotto III then said that bills with local applications like this are usually easily approved in Senate hearings. This, in turn, has sparked controversy and garnered criticism from the people.

Members of different rights groups and numerous people have expressed their disapproval of this bill. They say that this bill encourages the alteration of narratives of the dark days of Philippine history under Martial Law during the Marcos regime and that it practically promotes the invalidation of what people went through during the strongman rule.

We ought to #NeverForget the numerous accounts of torture and abuse that normal Filipinos went through. In case one forgets, the Twitter account @PangulongMarcos is devoted to tweeting daily on whether Marcos is a hero today.

The approval of this bill not only pushes to erase the kafkaesque events in our history that took place during Martial Law, but it also neglects the loss of the people who mourned for the loved ones that they lost in an all-out battle against the provisions of a power-hungry government that only sought to assert dominion over the people it ought to serve. It also makes us look at tyranny straight in the eye and just be resilient about it, without being able to #ResistTyranny. After everything that has been, is Marcos still your idol?

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Why “Pinoy Pride” exists in online Filipino culture

The toxic “peenoise” that flock and bash personalities misinterpreting the culture are the same ones that gather in posts which have the slightest hint of Filipino culture.

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Artwork by Ana Victoria Ereño/TomasinoWeb

Filipinos entering the foray of different online media allowed for Filipino culture to gain an even larger audience, but it inevitably exposes aspects that would otherwise only be seen within our borders.

Emman Nimedez and Lloyd Cadena’s passing has shown how impactful online media has become for the youth. While traditional media like TV and radio broadcasting maintains the largest audience in our country, we have slowly crept into the online world with the rising presence of Filipino personalities. Though this puts our heritage on a much larger stage, it has unfortunately exposed the pitfalls in our society. Any Filipino browsing comment sections on their favorite social media and video platforms will have inevitably seen the words “peenoise” and “Pinoy Pride” on their screen at least once, usually bearing a negative connotation. How have Filipinos managed to set themselves apart so negatively online that it yielded such labels on online platforms?

“Peenoise” was a term originally coined by online users within gaming communities to refer to Filipinos who are considered to be toxic in-game. Now, it is generally used to describe Filipinos who exhibit toxic behavior online, such as trolls or bullies. On the other hand, Pinoy Pride is another aspect of “peenoise” that is less aggravating but is much more reflective of who we are as a society. Pinoy Pride revolves around being endlessly proud of a Filipino personality for achieving something that led to global notoriety. 

How have Filipinos managed to set themselves apart so negatively online that it yielded such labels on online platforms?

These behaviors, ironically enough, could be coming from the Filipinos’ prioritization of family values. The toxic “peenoise” that flock and bash personalities misinterpreting the culture are the same ones that gather in posts which have the slightest hint of Filipino culture. Our innateness to find “kababayans” and treat them like family could both be a blessing and a curse in situations where we band together to defend our identity. This is even exploited in media channels that release “Filipino-themed” videos where personalities would experience Philippine culture or would have a part-Filipino cast member be the center of the content.

Another aspect that could be contributing to these online behaviors is the lingering effects of crab mentality in our society. As this blog puts it, we are quick to throw praise and be proud of our own people once they achieve success, but are also quick to call something “cheap” if it has not achieved prominence. But this even goes beyond Filipino artists as any individual who has the slightest hints of being Filipino is quickly embraced and celebrated as if they were our own. We like living through other people’s success as if they were one of our own, yet we pay no heed to those still climbing the ladder and even go as far as ridiculing them for their efforts. 

The toxic “peenoise” that flock and bash personalities misinterpreting the culture are the same ones that gather in posts which have the slightest hint of Filipino culture.

Finally, these attitudes don’t really hinge on being Filipino, but rather being Filipino outside of the Philippines. Pinoy Pride only begins to matter once something done by a Filipino gets recognized outside of the Philippines. This can be attributed to the Filipino’s “American dream” or the notion that the ultimate goal as a Filipino is to make it outside of the Philippines. 

If we ask most college students what their goals are after graduation, it will probably be about building their careers until they can go abroad. Whether it’s nurses, teachers, or artists, they’re usually aiming for a career outside the country and for good reason. The same professions would normally be paid less here, not to mention having to work harder just to get paid half of what they would’ve made had they gone off to work abroad. 

A few weeks ago, a wave of posts took Facebook by storm as Filipinos started sharing images from Harvard and placing either themselves in the context of being Harvard students or Harvard being a university in the Philippines. While this short-lived trend was merely humorous for most, it shows how we ultimately aspire to live a life outside the country rather than to flourish within it. It shows the condition which we live in and how we’ve had to make do with subpar standards in our country.

In summary, the “peenoise” and “Pinoy Pride” attitudes that Filipinos are showing online is not about patriotism, but rather defensiveness and the desire to live better. They hinge on the strong family ties Filipinos are known to have which, while bringing a strong sense of unity, also brings to light the aforementioned “crab mentality” that some tend to have. Ultimately, it comes down to the desire to live a better life than what our current social and political situation allows. 

In summary, the “peenoise” and “Pinoy Pride” attitudes that Filipinos are showing online is not about patriotism, but rather defensiveness and the desire to live better.

Much like how we’ve stood out in beauty pageants and boxing, we also stand out as audiences but in an unflattering light. While such behaviors do not necessarily include all Filipinos, these do exist in our online space. We have the ability to change this and, while we cannot enforce it onto others, starting with ourselves can be a huge step in the right direction. Rather than embodying the bad sides of our culture, we can showcase our most prominent characteristic: bayanihan.

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Cramming Playlist: Buzzer Beats

Yeah, it’s big brain time.

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Artwork by Ayeesha Panotolan

The most dreadful time of the semester is here and with it comes every student’s best friend: cramming. We all know that it’s an ineffective and unhealthy way to retain information. Yet, we still choose to condense weeks worth of lectures into hours of late night study sessions because it somehow still gets the job done. 

Studying in the wee hours of the morning means you need something to keep you and your brain awake and functioning. Below, we’ve compiled a playlist that will surely get those neurons firing as you burn the midnight oil.

 

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